Wednesday, March 29, 2017

girls in color

color pencil and ink
Cindy and Jules

girls from a photo shoot
(quick, rough and dirty)

Saturday, March 25, 2017

quizas... la mitad que me faltaba

I thought at first  - stepping out of the shower, that it was one of those things that resemble memories, but might just be dreams caught between the physical and my subconscious... but I hear her sigh and the sound of the bed frame creak as she stretches out on my bed... I walked slowly to the door and peek in at my own room... and there she was... I turn to look at myself in the mirror... and shrug my shoulders at myself... I walk closer to the glass... and play with the stubble on my face... she moans the way I remember she does and again I turn to peek into the room... she’s still there... and yes, I am fairly certain that this is all real - but to have it on record - as sometimes is stated at the top of these Deringer Files - this is one man’s slow descent into insanity... sometimes I go to sleep and I never know where I will wake up - here (at this moment and time) or there (some other place)... that should ruin all my credibility... because I remember her leaving - I go over the day she left and the things we said and didn’t say... the looks we exchanged and the ones we should have... the kiss that slipped away and the moment I was certain I had lost her forever... and I remember thinking how this was the best thing for the both of us - because destiny is calling us both to different places... and different times... I told myself... and as I have so many times before... I walked away from her and the moment that might have gone another way - had I only not been so damn certain that I don’t need anything or anyone to fill that empty space inside of my that must be there for a reason... because, up to this point, nothing and no-one has been able to fill it up... and because I am an ass-whole.

I spent the last two week not doing anything of any importance - in fact, I allowed myself some time to just have some fun not giving a damn about anything - spent a couple of days trying to  track down an album on-line with a stranger I have never met... but still can’t find a copy of “For Lover’s Only” by Kimiko Itoh... someone made me an offer for my Dr. Zhivago, but I told him to go to hell because I don’t believed he deserved it... got drunk for a few days and gained ten pounds in one week... no running, no working out... flirting with every young girl I come across and have been pissing off fag boys in tight pants... and pantsuit women... made some quick trips in Mexico to look at some land and a building in Playa de Carmen... mostly just drinking and wasting time... because I got into one of those moods when I could care less about the world and it’s ridiculous problems... come on people, what the fuck... and she says that I am the most fun person to be around when I don’t care about anyone or anything... and it is true - in those selfish moments when there is no tomorrow and I say a prayer for the things that might go wrong before I  cut loose on the world... are the most fun times I have... and when did she say this... the first night...

She knows me... well, maybe not completely but she gets me... and for me - that’s a good sign... and she knows where to find me - for the most part...

We never stopped communicating after she left... she mostly sent pictures and mp3s of songs... and I would  respond with songs of my own and try to avoid those conversations she still wants to have - about a relationship that does not exist... and, honestly, I was doing all I could  to keep her filling up my inbox... and there was that letter I sent her that she may have mistook for a love letter... ladies and gentlemen of the jury - how serious can we take the words of a man that has stated online that he prefers the company of whores and lose young women... and have you read his poetry... please, how would any one believe his intentions to be noble with this young lady, whom, by her own admission, referred to the defendant as a drunken womanizer, and has run off strange women from the home of the accused on several occasions... she knew full well what she was getting into and what she would not be getting out of any relationship - if indeed any should ever exist... with this misunderstood client of mine... but yeah... that letter may have gone to far, because I was calling her out and this move of hers may just be her calling me on my own bull-shit... the games we have to play...

I can’t remember telling her where I was going to be that day but I must have - I promised to help someone out with a negotiation, but really, a couple of us were just accessories that looked good filling up the room - the things one does for tribe... boring business stuff that had nothing to do with me but there I was looking like I was there to rough someone up with UCC legal jargon and market quotes... but Roland and Caleb... they just looked good.  I did not know she would be waiting downstairs in the lobby... she was facing the windows.  I watched people walk by her stepping aside to give her more space as they looked her up and down... she stood like some one I knew and she dressed like some one that did not belong there... I watched strangers look at her as if they recognized her from some where but dismissed the thought as they were certain she was from some far off forgotten dream - and she is - out of place in our modern world... see, she carries herself the way women from the old world with old money carry themselves - protected and isolated from the problems of the world - from the reality of the chaos and the madness the rest of us have to dredge through daily... but she knows how the world is - its workings. Its deceptions and its painful realities... but she has the luxury and privilege of slipping back into that old world behind a stone wall and gate were the beautiful people sleep in safety... she did not belong there among these worker bees but there she was making some people uneasy and others feel lucky to have been able to have been in her presence... a few people just lingered about to see what she was going to do as they tried to figure out who exactly she was - because she looked very important - was she some sort of celebrity... a politicians daughter?

The closer I got I came to realize who she was... and I took a deep breath and steadied my soul - what have I done... I shook my head and tried to come up with a future alibi and a prayer for whatever may go wrong next... but the prayer came to slow... she turned around... and as her eyes went wide... the crowd around us could only stand still to hear the sound of her voice - perhaps it might not be a dream at all...

She smiles at me but all I could do was shake my head... but really, I didn’t know why.

She say - “what are you doing?”

I say - “ at this moment or with my miserable life... because the answer, I am sure to both, is... I have no idea...”

“I think you know exactly what you are doing - you just don’t want others to know that you really do”.

I say - “hmmn...” and smile.

She puts her index finger on my chest and says - “you look like a man who wants to show a girl a good time...”

and I say - “you look like a girl who wants to make some bad choices...”

She laughs but she looks like she wants to cry - her eyes begin to water and she says “make me laugh...”

“Make you laugh? Make me laugh...” and I was going to say something funny but she grabs the lapel of my coat and pulls me down to her and we kiss... the crowd around us is in disbelief... who the hell am I to even dare reach beyond the stars... she releases me and tears begin.  I pull her into me to hide her tears from the world - because they belong to me... and the crowd begins to thin out and disburse... perhaps she’s just one of us after all...

She pulls away and starts to say something but grabs my hand and leads my out the building and says lets get drunk and I ask her if she has any money and she laughs but I was being serious - I had no money... and I ask something I did not want to know the answer to - “does your father know you’re here?” and she said yes... so I ask “is he going to send some one after us?”

“Do you mean is he going to send some one after you?”
“Yeah... that’s what I mean”.
“No - but my mother might get one of my crazy cousins after you...”
“What did you father say?”
“That you will break my heart... but... you already broke my heart...”


We got drunk.

I do not believe in coincidence... and I know that all the events that lead to this are somehow my fault - for I did manipulate a lot of them to my favor... and she reminds me that I did say that sometimes you have to let things play out as they may... and I need to let it happen - last time... I did everything but let it happen...

I woke up this morning in this reality... and no... I don’t know what I am doing and I don’t know what will happen this time around... but she is in my kitchen... in my shirt, making breakfast... and it feels like Valparaiso... except now there’s kissing.
 lyrics by
Manuel Flores Monterrosas

Tu eres como el agua
que bebi de la montaña
tu eres esa lluvia
con la que se baña el alma

Eres una estrella
por la madrugada
eres luz que llena
todas mis mañanas

Tu tienes en los ojos
un lenguaje sin palabras
tu llevas en los labios
agua dulce azucarada

Tienes la belleza
que jamas mirara
eres una reyna
eres una dama

Tienes en los brazos
el calor que yo buscaba
sabes conprenderme
como yo necesitaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba 

Tu dejas a tu paso
la mejor de las fragancias
tu entras en mis sueños
cuando se te da la gana

Me gusta tu cuerpo
Me gusta tu cara
y me gusta el ritmo
que lleva tu falda

Tienes en los brazos
el calor que yo buscaba
sabes conprenderme
como yo necesitaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The "Rampage" and hatred for the women of the modern world.

 This was a comment I left over at Charles Sledge's Journal on his post Having Hatred for Women will Destroy You.  had a conversation about the topic earlier with someone and I thought I would share this here - Also be sure to check out Charles' site - start with this fine article on women here .

I went through this myself - dark days.

When I was still young and stupid I was in a relationship that lasted six years - but it was a roller coaster of chaos. I let my love for her make me weak and put up with all her bullshit no matter how humiliating until the point I just couldn't do it any more... she married three months after I left and that destroyed me, and I went on a drinking and fucking rampage... and I fucked a lot! I didn't care about anything and anyone and who I hurt along the way and I hurt many women back then... but many just kept coming back for more... but I did not give one fuck about them... I just fucked. It wasn't until I was in my thirties when I decided on the man I wanted to be and started to move in that direction - I am pleased with the results so far but it took me a while to put the pieces together and to pay attention to my actions when I reflected back on my behavior and decisions and mistakes I made in my youth - thinking a certain way will make me act a certain way, acting a certain way will get me a certain responses from those around me - so, if I can control my thoughts I can control my actions and if I control the way I act I can control how others respond to me. But this also is a power I used to get me more women that I did not care about... when it was time to get laid I went out and found a woman dressed up like a whore and I treated her like one and she was mine for the night... and I moved on - yeah, I had a lot of hatred for women - I will admit that, and the fact that women were letting themselves be treated badly justified my treatment of them - I lost women, because I was weak, to dominant men that treated them badly - "the red pill"... before I knew what the fuck the red pill was (before it was called the red pill). I am these days a solitary man, I prefer to be honest and kind to everyone and to be left alone to live my life my way.... I know it is easier in life to not give a damn about anything - but, you get what you give in this universe , so now days, for me it is easier just to be a nice guy - but being a nice guy does not get me laid and it does not get me respect in the street. We have to create other personalities for the world in order to get certain things - game to get women, mindset to get success, savagery to get respect... it will take some work to pull it all together and still keep a little bit of that gentleness and kindness that we as men need to help us do that which is right. Those that know me - my gang and inner circle know that I am a chill dude that just wants a simple life, but this modern world complicates even the simplest things like relationships. That girl was my down fall but I had to go through it, I had to learn those painful lessons the hard way - even though it was a truth I already knew, but refused to come to terms with.

All men will go through that pain and all men will go through that period of hate. Most men will go through that enlightenment and put the pieces together and find that thing called "the red pill" and many will struggle with coming to terms with the truth of it, but for many men, I believe, it is best that they learn these lessons the hard way.

Oh, in the last twenty years I have only been in one relationship with a woman that lasted a year, but all the others have not gone more than six months. Now that I am on a quest for a woman to have a family with I am behaving differently with women but I am also looking at them differently and they are responding to me differently but I am also spending less time with the tramps... we'll see what happens


Wednesday, March 15, 2017

The Joy of Little Things

It's good the great green earth to roam,
Where sights of awe the soul inspire;
But oh, it's best, the coming home,
The crackle of one's own hearth-fire!
You've hob-nobbed with the solemn Past;
You've seen the pageantry of kings;
Yet oh, how sweet to gain at last
The peace and rest of Little Things!

Perhaps you're counted with the Great;
You strain and strive with mighty men;
Your hand is on the helm of State;
Colossus-like you stride . . . and then
There comes a pause, a shining hour,
A dog that leaps, a hand that clings:
O Titan, turn from pomp and power;
Give all your heart to Little Things.

Go couch you childwise in the grass,
Believing it's some jungle strange,
Where mighty monsters peer and pass,
Where beetles roam and spiders range.
'Mid gloom and gleam of leaf and blade,
What dragons rasp their painted wings!
O magic world of shine and shade!
O beauty land of Little Things!

I sometimes wonder, after all,
Amid this tangled web of fate,
If what is great may not be small,
And what is small may not be great.
So wondering I go my way,
Yet in my heart contentment sings . . .
O may I ever see, I pray,
God's grace and love in Little Things.

So give to me, I only beg,
A little roof to call my own,
A little cider in the keg,
A little meat upon the bone;
A little garden by the sea,
A little boat that dips and swings . . .
Take wealth, take fame, but leave to me,
O Lord of Life, just Little Things

Robert William Service